I've been thinking about it and I've been thinking about what other people have said about childhood and stuff. I think this "people pleasing" thing is a survival mechanism from childhood. I woke up with some really bad dreams the other night. I was thinking about blogging about them. They were about this stuff.
When we're children, we learn certain defensive behaviours. This fear of rocking the boat is one of them.
It's extremely difficult for me to confront people too. Extremely difficult. Even in the most stupid, small things. It's especially difficult when the only person who can gain from it is myself. Which is another survival trait. As a child you learn to not protect your own interests, because you want to pick your fights and only put your energy into stuff which directly threatens you.
So when parental figures or authority figures deny affection, ignore you, or say "you're nothing special" you don't complain because you've already learned that there are dire consquences to that. It's not a fight worth fighting. This too means that blows to your self esteem are just absorbed. It's more about survival. Lay low. Distance yourself from your emotions. Don't get your hopes up. Let people walk all over you. Learn to appreciate what little you have. At least things are not as bad as if you fought back. And you're USED to getting hurt. It's NORMAL. It's HOME... of sorts. You'd have to re-learn your role in society if you weren't quietly being hurt all the time. Drop yourself in a supportive, loving environment and you'll be so maladjusted that you won't even know how to answer when somebody says something supportive like "Wow, good job" or "I really enjoy spending time with you".
Somehow I think the trick is to recognize, forgive ourselves for our screwed up behaviours and re-learn what we picked up as children. We'll never be "normal" but self-destructive behaviours should be continuously correctable and nothing to be embarassed about.
I still think you need to get your driver's license :-) It's a right of passage thing in Canadian society which puts you on equal ground with a lot of people around you. It forces a very small amount of assertiveness and directly teaches that failing to assert yourself can really hurt other people.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2008-12-20 01:42 pm (UTC)When we're children, we learn certain defensive behaviours. This fear of rocking the boat is one of them.
It's extremely difficult for me to confront people too. Extremely difficult. Even in the most stupid, small things. It's especially difficult when the only person who can gain from it is myself. Which is another survival trait. As a child you learn to not protect your own interests, because you want to pick your fights and only put your energy into stuff which directly threatens you.
So when parental figures or authority figures deny affection, ignore you, or say "you're nothing special" you don't complain because you've already learned that there are dire consquences to that. It's not a fight worth fighting. This too means that blows to your self esteem are just absorbed. It's more about survival. Lay low. Distance yourself from your emotions. Don't get your hopes up. Let people walk all over you. Learn to appreciate what little you have. At least things are not as bad as if you fought back. And you're USED to getting hurt. It's NORMAL. It's HOME... of sorts. You'd have to re-learn your role in society if you weren't quietly being hurt all the time. Drop yourself in a supportive, loving environment and you'll be so maladjusted that you won't even know how to answer when somebody says something supportive like "Wow, good job" or "I really enjoy spending time with you".
Somehow I think the trick is to recognize, forgive ourselves for our screwed up behaviours and re-learn what we picked up as children. We'll never be "normal" but self-destructive behaviours should be continuously correctable and nothing to be embarassed about.
I still think you need to get your driver's license :-) It's a right of passage thing in Canadian society which puts you on equal ground with a lot of people around you. It forces a very small amount of assertiveness and directly teaches that failing to assert yourself can really hurt other people.